Monday, July 18, 2011

I didn't see it coming, or were my eyes closed?

I sit here alone in a empty 3 bedroom house. It's nearing midnight and sleep has not found me yet. I've spent the past 4 months as a caregiver to my grandmother with dementia. Today the thread in her mind that was connecting her to reality snapped. I could no longer give her the care she needed, it was time for the professionals to take charge. It's funny how emotionally close you get to someone in situations like these. I feel like I let her down, but the logical side of my brain knows better. While staying busy taking care of someone full time you sometimes forget to think about yourself. Now that the situation has abruptly been put to an end, I sit here wondering What do I do now?

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean by feeling you let her down. My mother was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2000. I took her to daily chemo injections for over a year, then she got onto Gleevek which put her into remission in 2005. Then in 2007, she had another type of cancer and I was taking care of her daily until she died in November 2009. I was with her nearly every day in the hospital the last 6 months of her life and was with her when she died. I keep wondering if there was something else or something different I could have done.

    I did take care of myself along the way - I had what I thought was a healthy relationship with a woman. Turns out, she had some serious emotional issues surrounding the care of elderly people, and she resented the attention I paid to my mother. So she broke up with me shortly before my mom took a turn for the worse. Without having to worry about her BS, devoted myself to my mom. And then when my mom died, I had nothing. No job, no girlfriend, no kids - nothing. I slowly put things together again - but I find that when I have to rely on others for friendship or for possible romantic relationships, I am much more attuned to selfishness and rudeness - more so than I ever was before. I think it's because now that the person closest to me who really loved me unconditionally is now gone, and in her absence it puts other attempts at relationships that should include acceptance in a new light.

    You eyes were not closed - you loved your grandmother and you took care of her the best you could. You loved her and took care of selflessly - and I admire you for it. The world needs more people who really care about others instead of being selfish pricks who care only about themselves. Seek out and find people who can appreciate you for what and who you are.

    Chris Telesca -