silence burning

 I don't know how I got here, I just know the excruciating pain that I'm in.

I never pictured it ending like this.

So abrupt

All I could do was gaze at the sky out of the window and watch it darken as the time passed

The day was just another idle day, how could it turn sharply like this?

My mind is foggy trying to remember what I did last.

I do all I can to stay calm, they always tell you to stay calm in these situations.

You can cuddle your anger like a raggedy childhood blanket from the past.

Silence floods the room filling every corner.

The level rises until everybody drowns

Interstate

Flowing down the interstate like it's a river

Lines fly by like fish headed upstream

Rain drops tip toe across my windshield.

I want this freedom

No, I've earned this freedom.

The road climbs up the gigantic mountain

The storm festers up top just waiting for my arrival.

Green signs give names to the unknown places.

They really are meaningless if you don't have a destination in mind.

Challenges, spontaneous moments and fulfillment live here.

As do I.

Airport thoughts..

The airport was so cold, so impersonal.

but deep down that's the reason I like it here.

Surrounded by people but no obligations to connect

Muffled voices of the surrounding crowds comfort me

Everyone here is so different yet so the same

The sounds of heels and dress shoes hitting the terminal floor

Rushing by , always in a hurry.

The whiff of Cologne that reminds you of a moment from the past.

It tingles my noise and awakens my senses.

Numbers and times flash across the blue illuminated board

Connect me to my next flight

Here I go again.

Make me your art

My focus has shifted onto my self now

I am now my focal point, so zoom in and sharpen that image

Just don't over expose it

I want to see ribs

Make my green eyes glow

I want the light to swim across my body

emerge me in your light

Create with me

Speak through me

Once more

In a few days I will be on a red eye flight headed out on another one of my adventures. Baltimore will be my first stop followed by DC and St.Louis. This will probably be my last east coast trip until early 2012. I will be booking for mainly the west coast during the winter months.

I will have my passport early October, I'm very thrilled about this.

Shooting with my horse

Eric Lowenburg wrote a blurb about our shoot with my horse here in Salem.:) His MM page is http://www.modelmayhem.com/1179757 if you would like to check him out. Here's what he wrote:

"08 September found me in the Salem, Oregon area to again be fortunate enough to shoot with the very lovely and talented Miss Redrose.

We worked during the morning with my new horse friend Lady who is a gorgeous Arabian Mare. Lady proved to be a wonderful model, very patient and cooperative. She is however the first model that I have shot that was grazing during the shoot. Lady and Miss Redrose were the perfect combination for a great shooting with a mix of artistic nudes and lifestyle images.

Lady got to spend the afternoon at pasture telling her other horse friends about her morning while I made the drive back to San Francisco. It was a very enjoyable morning of shooting taking advantage of the heat wave in Oregon. Temps that day were going to be close to 95 under a nearly perfect sky for lighting -- just a very slight diffusing haze and occasional high cloud. All in all a fantastic morning. Miss Redrose is a wonderful model with a great look that always gives her best for a shooting -- and she can park a horse trailer better than any guy I know.
"

Hiding

Let me give you my wisdom for free. "Nothing in life is really free", but that is an overused saying repeated by closed minded humans that did not know where to find the secrets. They are blinded by their pride. They think they know it all, but in fact all they know is what’s in front of them. They don’t let their mind out to play, they keep it on a strict choke chain.
Through my travels people have told me their secrets, I now know where the "free" hides. I Honor the secrets, I hold them close. you will have to figure this one out on your own .You have to look hard, if you don’t there is a good chance you will miss out. The reward is sweet but the hunt is bitter.
Waves rolling in and out , I hear the surf growling. The smell of seaweed is in the air. The stars are glowing like hot coals. The sky cuddles them like a black silky blanket. The void, the unknown.
The warm sand sifts between my toes, lost, the search party is out looking. But it’s been a long day and it looks like I’m stuck here another night. Stuck on my lonely island. Sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault I ended up here. I could always light a flare in hope it would help them find me, but instead i sit quietly in the dark. Letting fate take it’s course. Whatever is meant happen will ultimately happen and I’m just along for the ride. My supplies are low, my stomach feels sour , craving energy. I will run on willpower. The most efficient thing in the world. It’s free for the taking. The moon watches down , I can feel the wisdom glow down from it. It warms my soul some while I close my eyes and try to rest.

Time

Don’t let time run past you, when life puts you to the test, don’t resort to writing the answers on the palm of your hand. The ink will only smear and poison your blood. The clock explodes, springs and bolts fly outward into the dark night. The number’s that were so delicately painted on by the man, peel off in no time. Time takes no mercy on labeling your life with seconds and minutes. Meaningless words made to measure your journey on earth.

Tell me a story

Tell me a story, tell me a story that starts with "Once upon" a time. Tell me a story where people know right from wrong, and there is no suffering. Tell me a story where the years never fly by but instead they linger by slowly so we can enjoy them and take nothing for granted. Tell me a story where there are no "Goodbyes" just "see you later". I want the story where there is no loss and no sad endings, forget grabbing for a tissue, I want to do no such thing. I want the story where the hard decisions are made and everyone knows what to do. Lying in the grass soaking up the sun rays through my skin, recharge my soul. Watching the dandelion seeds dance through the air and the birds soar so very high. breathing in the warm summer air deep into my healthy lungs. Take me there. Give me that "fairy tale" ending.

A letter from a friend

This was in my email today-

"My dearest Crystal, my closest friend,
You have it. You have it. You have it. You have it. I realize... you´ve got it.

Everyone wants to be where they´re supposed to be, that´s why some people go around the world to find it, but you don´t need to.
I see you, where you are... doing what you´re doing, and you´re doing it right.

You are comfortable in your skin, you´re doing exactly what you were meant to do, you´ve found your niche. Bravo. Your soul is immaculately beautiful, you. "

Lady and Goldie

Bridal Couture Shoot (Fashion)

It's always a lot of dancing and fun working with Crendo Photography. This was done a couple months ago. No, I'm not really married. :)

Perhaps in life's plans I'm meant to learn to live alone for awhile. As frustrating as it is right now, I'm hoping that it will put me exactly in the right place at the right time for something. I'm keeping my eyes open.





Photographer credit-http://www.modelmayhem.com/34764

The tide has changed, the currents have shifted and I'm headed out to sea.

Home is where

I looked up the word "Home" in the dictionary and found 11 different meanings. The past few weeks this word has been occupying my thoughts. I've always considered the house I grew up in a home, even though for the last several years I haven't spent much time living there I always knew it was there if I ever needed to go back.

 A good friend of mine told me that home is where YOU are, no matter where you are, you are home.


Home (noun)-a environment offering security and happiness.



A lot of people think a home has to be a house. To me, home is trying to get some sleep on a crowded plane, home is responding to emails and networking online for more shoots while sitting in a cozy coffee shop, home is when I'm with my horses, they bring me my emotional comfort, Home is when I'm sitting on a bus listening to a strangers life story. Home is when I'm laughing with a friend until my ribs hurt. So there you have it! It may not be a traditional home, but it's my home.

I didn't see it coming, or were my eyes closed?

I sit here alone in a empty 3 bedroom house. It's nearing midnight and sleep has not found me yet. I've spent the past 4 months as a caregiver to my grandmother with dementia. Today the thread in her mind that was connecting her to reality snapped. I could no longer give her the care she needed, it was time for the professionals to take charge. It's funny how emotionally close you get to someone in situations like these. I feel like I let her down, but the logical side of my brain knows better. While staying busy taking care of someone full time you sometimes forget to think about yourself. Now that the situation has abruptly been put to an end, I sit here wondering What do I do now?

Tides have shifted

In a day where everything has changed I'm trying to stay grounded and logical. Everything happens for a reason and I happen to like it here.

The Ant Hill We Call Life

I went flying today along the Oregon coast. The view was muchness and made me realise how much in this world there is to see and how everything and everyone looks so small. We are really like ants, ya know? There are so many people running around doing their own thing. But we shrink our perspective in our every day life. Which makes stuff seem like a big deal, but in fact it's not.

I'm still alive!

I'm alive and well. I got back last week from my east coast trip to DC and Baltimore. I will be back in the swing of things again at the end of July. Until then my time will be spent taking care of 2 family members that are less fortunate health wise.

Fire

I've been meaning to put these images in my blog. This was from a fire play shoot with photographer Eye of RA mm# 125719 and model Karina Brow mm#1776929 ( she was in charge of lighting my body on fire) :)

Life

The ground around me has finally become softer and I'm now able to grow roots again. I can feel myself getting stronger and more independent. I know I am still far from where I want to be in life but I have made a decent start. Change is on the horizon, this frightens and excites me at the same time. What an intense feeling!

San Francisco

What a unique charming city, my camera phone doesn't do it justice.

Alone

All alone! whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot.

Wanderlust

Where should I go next?

Oregon

I'm catching up on my blogging today. I've spent the first few weeks here getting settled in and visiting with family and friends. I get back in to the swing of shooting again this week. I'm looking foward to meeting new faces here! :D Lady did great on the trip and is now staying 15 minutes away from here at a boarding barn.

Pictures from across the USA.

Lady munching hay in the trailer.

One of the snow storms that we drove though.

I didn't have enough bread to make everybody happy.

St.Louis

Headed out west

Next week I will be leaving for Oregon. I'm horrible at packing, I always put it off until last minute and then end up packing way to many things that I don't really need. I will be hauling my horse along for this trip since I will be staying in Oregon for a few months. I'm crossing my fingers for good weather along the way.